“Be strong”….This two word sentence echoes in my ears, reminding myself to not let my emotions get the better of me through moments when I would like nothing more than to just let all the feelings go. However, it’s not the time or place for that.
My mind goes into self preservation mode. I stay in the present so I can focus on information from doctors and medical staff, I remain upbeat for my daughter; often times producing some giggles and smiles from her beautiful face, I don’t want her to feel fear or anxiety because at the tender age of four, she needs to remain feeling like a typical kid, although her circumstance is far from typical. I go through the motions of making small talk with my husband and then once called by the nurse, I will go inside the OR with Olivia until she is finally asleep from the anesthetic. I know from experience that when the mask is placed on her face, she will have little movements due to the medication and I won’t become alarmed because this is part of the familiar process we have been through one too many times.
I wish this wasn’t her reality…Our reality…but we are not given the choice of what our reality will be, we are only given the choice in how we live with it. I choose to make the best of it because Olivia deserves the best of me. I am her mother and I will be strong for her.