It’s Not Easy


Tired?  Uh-huh…Exhausted?  Hell yeah…Patience worn thin? You betcha…Worried? More than you know…Heartbroken?  If you only knew…

We are in day four of post surgery for my daughter. What I have learned from my child are the words typical, standard, and routine need not ever apply to any operation or procedure she has done or will ever have. About a year ago she needed surgery to release spasticity in her hamstrings and hip abductors. Her surgeon told us, “it’s pretty routine and she should be out of hospital three days later”. Yeah right…EIGHT days later she came home. Why so long? Well, Olivia had severe muscle spasms and severe pain following the procedure. She began spiking a temperature and stopped eating, all due to pain. Being that Olivia is nonverbal, she couldn’t communicate which part of her body was experiencing pain.  It was the most torturous guessing game, trying to find resolve to what was bothering her. I felt extremely helpless and wanted to take her pain. I prayed to God to give it me.

Here we are a year later, only this time it is for a “standard” g-tube procedure. (You noticed I put quotations around standard)  Even as those words were spoken by her surgeon I sarcastically chuckled and said, “Sure…we’ll see about that”. Her surgeon reassured Olivia would be “in and out in 48 hours”.  Four days later, where are we? Not a five star resort that’s for sure…nope we are still in hospital.  For the last four days Olivia has been hopped up on pain meds and her doctors are frantically trying to solve her pain problem. From what? Well the guessing game begins…

Having a sick child, for any parent is disconcerting, but when you have a child who is nonverbal and is incapable of pointing or signing to what is hurting, well that is a whole other heartbreaking, helpless mess of emotional torture.  Especially when your child’s tear filled eyes pierce through you, begging and pleading “Mommy make it stop! ” That’s the moment your heart doesn’t just break, it becomes completely crushed! That’s the moment when I hold her tight to me and sob along with her, rocking her, telling her how much I love her and how brave she is, when silently in my mind I am questioning “why her” and begging God to give me her pain. 

The paths we walk with our kids are not always easy and really what in life is? In the trying moments, the ones that rock us to our cores, I try to look ahead;  I know this present state is only a moment, an instance, a step to the next destination along this path. Positives will come from this. Olivia will heal and the benefits from all of what she has endured, will last forever.


6 thoughts on “It’s Not Easy

  1. heather hickey

    WELL SAID …only thing I’m crying now . Crying for our baby girl , you , Craig and Nicholas & Kameron … missing their sister and mom. ❤ love you all ❤ Lorne's saying ," This to shall pass !!! " I wish it would hurry the hell up !!!! HUGS


  2. Brittney ♡

    Olivia is beautiful. I have Cerebral Palsy as well and I feel so bad that she must go through with. Do you know that iPads have been very helpful in enabling speech? That may be something to look into. I hope she feels better!


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